**DISCLAIMER: This blog post contains a number of uncensored truths.

TRUTH: It’s that thing on the gay scene that most people choose to avoid. Like bumping into an ex, going to work, or a political debate with Mark-Ashley Dupé. But why do we cling to denial like it’s the last bump of the weekend? Which, while we’re on the topic – if bitches had as much mephedrone as they did denial, half the city would be dead. You know what I’m saying? Beyond be looking like a scene from 28 Days Later.

Yes, denial and drugs go hand-in-hand, like cookies and cream. Or Fat Tony and fillers. They are hands down London’s biggest problem – well apart from the clientèle at Union. For those of you that have never been there… I’m jealous. Oh, I’m sorry – is this a bit too real for y’all? Well, they do say that the truth hurts. And whoever said that has clearly never heard Marco Gee DJ. I mean, the truth hurts, but it isn’t half as painful as that. (Sidebar: I wouldn’t read too much into this babe, it is only “journalism from a hair saloon” after all). 

BUT, I digress… SO, why do gay men have such issues facing up to the truth? Is it because we’re all burdened with whatever deep-rooted issues we grew up with? Or it simply because it’s more horrifying to look at than Sandra first thing in the morning? No, but seriously though, we can never admit when enough is enough – for some us that’s drugs. For Ashley Ryder, it’s cock. Now, hey, those are his words not mine. He once said in an interview with QX that he needs to be “impaled”. I’ll do it! Who’s got a kitchen knife? Nah I’m just playing, I give Ashley Ryder a lot of stick, but that’s just because any less wouldn’t touch the sides. Thankfully he can take a joke as well as he takes girth.

Back to my point though, we’re more than happy to endure the pain of anal penetration but when it comes to hearing the truth, we turn and mince the other way. Like Gary Glitter when a boy turns 10. Bet trashbags would go for counselling though, if they got an orgasm at the end of it though. Could you imagine, blabbing about your issues to a stranger and then getting molested afterwards? Oh wait… I think there’s an app for that; it’s called Grindr.

We don’t like the truth because it’s often too hurtful. To look in the mirror and say:

“You take too many drugs. You’re too promiscuous. You’re not happy with your life choices.”

Wow. That’s the last thing people wanna hear… I mean, after “we’ve accidentally emailed your HIV status out to London”. Seriously, who wants to be told that their life is in a worse state than Lady Lloyd’s hair extensions? It’s true, the only time we like to hear anything negative is getting our blood results. But, in many cases, they are all true. When did it become socially acceptable to take drugs every weekend? And fuck the fucking weekend, I know bitches that bump on a Tuesday. What, we can’t even have a catch-up and have a few glasses of wine without calling a dealer? Like, we more dependant on that shit than Katherine Ellis and her annual appearance at Clapham Street Party.

And then all of a sudden we want a trophy for not shovelling drugs up our nostrils. “I haven’t got on it in two weeks!” we’ll announce, prouder than Russell Tovey that he exudes a few ‘masc’ qualities. Like, what bitch? You want a medal because you done an entire fortnight without plant food? Jacqui Potato goes longer than that without soap. And truth be told, you only went that long without it because you ran away to your mum’s, in whatever basic suburb, for the weekend. Y’all got no will power! If only Philipe could ban people from buying baggies as easily as he bans them from Fire. Look, I’m not being hypocritical, I’m guilty of it too; I’ll hold my hands up to that quicker than I crush a gram. Why do you think I’m moving continents? ‘Cause I can’t afford to buy a new septum.

As for the sex? You know how hard it is to find a man in this city that ain’t a raggedy hoe with no morals? It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack; or a syringe in Jodie Harsh’s hair (for you trashy skets that struggle with the former metaphor). I mean, it’s harder to find than a thread of clothing on Dr. Christian’s Grindr profile. So perhaps that’s why it’s easier to sleep around; because otherwise, we’d end up with sexual organs dustier than Tom Fuller’s CV. Then again, perhaps the men only seem this way in the circles we mix. After all, we do have classy establishments like Sauna Bar to meet eligible men.

But we weren’t always as fucked up as this, surely? So what changed? Honestly, it’s a mystery. Like Jonathan Bestley’s gender. Nobody’s been this completely clueless since Sylvia Rebel thought being friends with Vauxhall DJs made her a celebrity. So why? Do we hate our own lives so much that we need drugs and sex as an escapism? Is our self-esteem that low? If only all our egos were as big as Adam Turner’s.

Yes, it’s no secret that London is in the midst of a drug epidemic; that’s more obvious than James Egan in a crowd of Spanish men. But how do we solve it? There’s a pitch for the BBC – How Do You Solve A (Meph) Problem Like Maria? I think it would be a hit. It would make Shameless look like Songs Of Praise.

And yes, we are talking about it, and conversation is good! Unless you get stuck chatting to Glendora in Fire at 5am on a Monday morning. But maybe the problem isn’t drugs, or chill outs, or sex parties, or saunas, or Vauxhall, or shit club nights than require 14 grams to be even slightly enjoyable. Maybe the problem is denial. Denial, the only thing that’s been around on the gay scene longer than Minty. We’re all to blame for our own actions and choices, and perhaps that’s the real truth gay men can’t face.

Well, you lot wished upon a star (or more like, logically suggested) that Michael Hoffman hurry up and do gay porn, and it seems he’s getting gayer by the minute. And sluttier. So quick, in fact, we’re struggling to keep up. A bit like him, in his last two videos. NOW, they’ve ditched that chick and are possibly hinting at making a gay sex tape together. Firstly they start greasing each other up like glazed hams, and now they’re cracking it out next to each other.

Like, there’s suspense boys, and then there’s taking the piss. It’s not a secret and it’s not a shocker, but he’s clearly seeing how long y’all wait until he finally gets bummed. Still, though he could’ve picked a hotter counter-part. Though, I ‘spose they’re untied in their not-so-secret love of sausage. But before you fuck each other like horny boarding school boys, can ditch that tacky sofa and cheesy flag? I feel like I’m watching something from Cash In The Attic.

CHECK OUT THE UNCENSORED VIDEO

I’m straight but had a night of passionate sex with my boss. Now he says he never wants to see or speak to me again. I’m an 18-year-old guy and landed the job of my dreams working for a major men’s fashion store. My boss kept making sexual advances towards me. He’s married and in his thirties. He was really flirty and started inviting me out for drinks and meals after work, which I thoroughly enjoyed. On one of these nights, we had far too much to drink and were over the limit to drive.
He suggested getting a room for the night. The drinks continued to flow in the hotel bar and we ended up having the best sex I’ve ever had. Now he says he isn’t gay and doesn’t want to see or talk to me again. I didn’t think I was gay but I feel so confused and used. I’ve completely fallen head over heels in love with him but he just says it was a mistake.

Hi Office Bike,

Well haven’t you got yourself in a right old pickle? And I’m not talking about your sleazy boss. I’m struck by the fact that you refer to yourself as “straight”, despite letting your male boss defile you (enjoying it), and now chasing him around your store in an off-the-shoulder wedding dress. You say that your boss kept making sexual advances towards you – but were you bent over the photocopier in the first place?

Of course you “throughly enjoyed” being taken out for drinks and food that you didn’t pay for (well, not with money anyway). I bet you felt like Pretty Woman; although instead of designer clothes, he just bought you a cheeky Nandos. Hope you got sides with that half a peri-peri. Ironically, he was hungry for chicken too.

I have to ask, what weak-ass farmyard town do you live in where it’s a cheaper solution to get a hotel room than it is to get a taxi? Girl, you even tell me this shit took place in London with all-night buses, and you brought this on yourself. Bet yo’ minge was twitching when he mentioned getting a room. You also missed out what happened between your white wine spritzers and the sodomy. Did he lay it on you? Or were you all over him like a turtle neck from the winter collection? On your knees quicker than you can say ‘pay rise’.

My guess is that if you identified his flirtation, and still agreed to go for dinner, you knew full well that yo’ ass was the menu. And you know what, if you’d have douched, you probably would have got a promotion. But – coulda, woulda, shoulda! Time for damage limitation…

Your boss is suffering from a common symptom of post-gay-coitus called: denial. Most gay men, when they first start touching other boys willies feel a sense of guilt afterwards. Although, clearly that glass slipper fit you perfectly and you begun twirling before you even attempted to walk. It’s usually fairly mild, but I’m guessing you’ve asked him to meet your parents and to go away for a romantic weekend retreat in the Lake District, and this has pushed him to take action (aka: ask you to back the fuck up). If you’re curious what a restraining order feels like, keep messaging him, babe.

But hey, I wouldn’t take it too personally, it probably just means that the sex wasn’t as good for him as it was for you. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about; some people are just better at things like math. As for feeling “confused” and “used”, honey, I know you a sissy, but you need to man up. ‘Falling head over heels’ is for bitches that can’t walk in them. Get on Grindr and forget about that queen. She’s so far in the closet she’s got moth bites in her chest hair.

Although I do think you’re being a bit selfish, here. There’s a woman invested in a marriage with a limp-wristed Mary that just bumped uglies with his trollop assistant and you’re going on about irrelevant things like feelings.

And, how can he not see you ever again? What is he gonna walk around the office blind-folded? Falling over clothing rails and shit. Or did he fire you? If that’s the case, I say you call a lawyer, and file a suit of sexual harassment in the work place, and say that he plied you with alcohol before taking advantage, and watch the witch fall from grace. Not to mention, giving the plebs you work with something to talk about at the water cooler.

Anyway, congratulations on landing the job of your dreams, but next time keep it in your pants. You know what they say “don’t shit on your own doorstep”, and honey you just unleashed a big sloppy guiseppe on your pillow case.

Xoxo

Well, well, who’d have thought that among the string of celebrities that have been caught stroking their schlong on webcam, that Calum Best would be one of them. Obvs, we hoped he would be… Calum sets tongues wagging (among other things) when he flashed a glimpse of his morning wood on Celebrity Big Brother last year, but here’s a better look at the trunk of the tree…

We all know them. Whether it’s the 60-year old queen that smothers herself with 52 different kinds of moisturiser in a despairing hope to cling on to her youth, the guy that bowls around shaking hands with all the trainers because he spends more time there than with the minimal friends he has, or the eccentric one that looks like he’s just popped a Molly and is dancing to an EDM beat on the stair climber, even though the speakers are playing Kisstory – THEY MUST BE STOPPED.

1. The Grunter

Is it a cow being slung through the meat grinder? Is it the exorcism of Emily Rose? No. It’s just some ‘butch’ Mary shrieking because he’s trying to bench all of his issues. Either that, or he’s whailing because he caught a whiff of his own protein fart. Can you imagine the noises they make during intercourse? I’ve heard farm animals make less noise when David Cameron’s putting his dick inside them. You’ll often find them wearing those big leather maternity belts, as though compressing their beer gut will give them a six pack. Who invented waist-trainers for pregnant men? More misguided than fat girls that think putting their hands on their hips for photos makes them a size 6. They think that everyone admires them, yeah because we’re all dying to have your perky man tits and varicose veins.

2. The Space Invader

If you were allowed to punch someone in the throat for no valid reason, it should be these cunts. You can add ‘total lack of spacial awareness’ to the reasons why you’re still single. They can’t even give a stranger a two-feet radius of personal space, Lord knows they probably don’t even let their partner drop the kids off with the door closed. Back up! All up in my air like an elderly Scottish chain smoker. Seriously, the amount of times I’m ’bout to pop off my rape alarm in some goat’s face: “GO AWAAAAAAY!”

3. The Underdressed

We’re all about freedom of fashion, but this is a gym; the gay house of worship. And you’re mincing around in booty shorts like you just been rogered in a portaloo at Brighton Pride? The gym is a place of work; it’s where we go to work on our bodies. You wouldn’t turn up to a business conference sporting rainbow nipple tassles – same diff. You don’t need to be Mystic Meg to know that he’s listening to Ariana Grande and knows all the barmen on the island of Gran Canaria. If you wanna show people your breakfast, throw it back up into the toilet like a normal person, and ditch the daisy dukes. Oh, and in case you didn’t know, it’s common courtesy to wipe your testicular sweat off the machine after you.

4. Mr. Stretch

Using every exercise as an opportunity to demonstrate what a horrendously flexible fuck they’d be. I’m sure doing the splits comes in handy when you’re reenacting Velma’s big number from Chicago alone in your bedroom on a Saturday night, but if I wanna see a misfit perform auto-felatio, I’ll call Prince. Honey, you may feel like hot shit, but it’s less Pussycat Doll, and more stray alley cat licking it’s mangled pussy clean. Although, it’s great that you can self-suck, ’cause the boys are hardly beating down the door to do it. Unwanted karma sutra classes: Coming to an LA Fitness near you!

5. The Cruiser

Usually lurking around the showers far longer than is needed; deep cleaning every inch of their body – twice – while their engorged eyes flicker not-so-subtly to the surrounding genitals, or taking up residence in the locker room, forever putting their socks on, fixating on guys that may, or may not, drop their towels. Their sex life is clearly as exciting as the flip-flops they bring along and wear in the showers. *Rolls eyes*. Everyone would be happier – and safer – if you just urinated onto a live wire fence.

6. The Narcissist

These range from mildy vain (lifting up the bottom of his vest to wipe his dry brow, just so he can get a glimpse of his doughy-but-getting-there stomach), to full-on shameless selfie taking in the locker room. What’s up? You don’t have mirrors at home; is your mum a vampire or something? They often suffer from severe self-esteem issues, usually stemming from the fact that they don’t have many friends and use sex to get what they want. Although nobody fancies them more than they fancy themselves. Not the mention the delusion that they’re anything other than a hussy with a few thousand Instagram followers, that lives to be the centre of attention.

7. The ‘Big’ Man

He’s usually sporting a snapback more colourful than his personality and a garish slashed vest that reads something ridiculous like ‘YAASS’, despite the fact he’s pushing forty. Walking with a side swagger even though his lats aren’t big enough to permit him to. Similar to the grunter, the ‘big’ man likes everybody to know just how hard he’s working, which is why he throws the weights to the floor creating a racket louder than his desperation to be cool. Clearly his way of demanding the attention he never got from his parents. Of course, he’s hard as nails and will square up to anyone who starts, while walking backwards, because he knows he’s still only 5’4″.

8. The Techy-Twats

He’s the one that turns up to the gym wearing his brand new Adidas hi-tops; does it matter that they’re not practical? Of course not, he’s only there so that he can check-in on Facebook anyway. Yeah, there’s a reason why you’ve been going to the gym for months and your body is still a mess. And they’re not afraid to take an phone call, shouting about a very important first world bullshit like what douchey event they have guestlist for that weekend, while they casually stroll on the treadmill as though they’re above running.

You know when you’re buzzing, high af and just generally living life on the top of a podium like God intended it? No? Really? Oh, well here’s what it looks like. We’re not sure where this video was filmed, but the audience certainly got an eyeful (and perhaps a handful if they slipped him a few de niro). The way he keeps on checking to see if it’s still there like he could’ve danced the thing off… Trust, it don’t look like it’s going anywhere – well, apart from maybe inside another muscle mary.

ENJOY!

https://vimeo.com/71639760

Guys with pancake butts are easy targets. It’s part of the reason why we never miss leg day, because you can’t have people chatting shit ’bout your pruney behind. Well, one unfortunate guy literally has no bum. Just a hole. We don’t know what this condition is called (apart from ‘unlucky’), but we can’t help but wonder how it affects his daily life… We hope he’s not the butt of all jokes amongst his friends. (Sorry).

[H/T: The Sword]

There’s a lot to be said for studly eye candy. But add to that a bundle of tatts and it just makes us instant putty. What can we say? We like a bad boy as much as the next rebellious princess. *Runs away from home to ride magic mopeds carpets with hood rats*. Let’s be real, the only thing we like our man to be wearing in the boudoir is his sleeve, ladies am I right? Ogle away, you’re welcome, etc, etc, etc…

1. HOLLA, You can come trim my bushes anytime bruv

IG: @hale101

2. Sleepy or stoned? Either way, open up those blankets, boo.

IG: @crossfit_enthusiast

3. Sssh? Oh, we can be quiet…

@alex_ro933

4. Shower not necessary: already wet

IG: @dk_fitness93

5. We’re ready to dive in… WBU?

IG: @mylesleask

6. Yeah, we’re watching those pecs too…

@ozzy_forbidden

7. Give us a ride…

@james_physique

8. HOLY MOLY

IG: @racielcastro

9. What’s that written on yo’ chest? Directions to my yard? 

IG: @_a_baily_

10. Camouflage? Who you hiding from, bae?

@mikechabot44

11. Why you looking at that art when there’s a Mona Lisa over here ogling that bod?

IG: @travistardiff

12. Hey Lotan… Couldn’t build this list without you, could we?

IG: @lotancarter_89

13. Want help applying oil?

@andrewengland88

14. Belts are such an irrelevant accessory:

IG: @travbeachboy

15. Sexy ink makes us wink

IG: @daltonjackson

16. Navy Jack is the fave

IG: @navyjack

17. Take out the earphones, we’ll whisper sweet nothings in yo’ ear

@kanefitnice

18. *Insert pun about pussy*

19. Tattoos and Ben & Jerry’s… Put a ring on it, stud

IG: @king_andy89

20. *FAINTS*

IG: @colinwayne1

21. We’d almost feel about messin’ up that perfect ‘do

IG: @erkojun

22. Netflix and chill never looked so good… 

IG: @eyeball_2015_

23. Now that’s what we call a HOT tub

IG: @mrinkcredible

24. Blue eyes got our attention. Blue eyes and tatts got us naked. 

IG: @iheartman

25. Yeah you proof that dick pic before you DM us… 

IG: @alexmichaelturner

26. Just as well we like our boys dirty… *smirk*

27. Yeah, we’re sweating too…

28. “My neck, my back, lick my bussy and my tatts…”  

29. You know what they say, double sleeve makes them weak at the knees

IG: @mitch_mckersie

30. YEAH, you text that bitch and tell her you’re busy… 

YOU’RE WELCOME.

Meet Jesse. Jesse, like the rest of us, has had a hook-up go horribly wrong. To be fair, how often do they go right?! But bible, if you thought you had a date or shag go down the shitter, Jesse’s plays out like a slapstick comedy. It really makes you think, perhaps a limp dick and and a shitty condom aren’t so bad after all…

A number of things in this made me laugh. The awkward moment when they open the door in their sex clothing, and you’re like UMM, ok. You’re really down for this. The whole big guy and tiny dog: OBVS. Seen this so many times walking down Old Compton Street.

And the way he describes the guy’s house as Martha Stuart-y but if she was a kinky old bitch. (Actually I’m sure she probably is). Of course he was just playing a techno playlist from Soundcloud… What else do BDSM enthusiasts listen to?

The guy wakes up, “did I pass out?” Thinking he just took too much G… LOL.

[H/T: The Sword]

Most of the time, until you get the bloke naked and start fornicating, you don’t know if the sex is gonna be any good or not – unless the sexual tension is literally about to explode like a gunky cumshot. BUT, there are some men that are will quite possibly leave you deflated (excuse the pun). We’ve devised a list to save you some time, regret, energy and semen. Obviously, I’ve only ever slept with four people, so had to do some research…

1. The ‘Straight’ Gay Guy

Sorry guys, yes, it’s a horny thought, but does the fantasy outweigh the straggly pubes, (excessively) dirty poop chute and toothy-blowjob? No. It’s bad enough going to work the next day with three different club stamps imprinted on your forearm, let alone fingers that smell like decaying colon and a shaft that looks like it’s been chewed by a plague of hungry rats.

2. The Guy That Rejected You Once Before

It’s a tale as old as time. Boy likes boy. Buffer boy rejects boy. Burnt boy gets buff. Buff boy comes running back. Oh honey, keep running. And don’t slow down for speeding cars. It’s like Marilyn Monroe once said, “if you can’t handle me at my Gran Canaria Pride 2009, you certainly don’t deserve me at my LA 2015”. By having sex with this vermin, you’re only feeding the ego that scarred you into that excessive gym routine to start with. Pass him on; the moment – like his hairline – has passed.

3. The Mis-Matched Couple

Threesomes are hot. Even if you only really fancy one of them. One attractive guy, two penises; things could be worse, right? Well, there is that point when you do have to stop just fooling around with the 8, and show the 4 some sort of thinly veiled interest; i.e. frantically flopping your knob around like an odd shoe lace, trying to keep it hard. It’s like taking out the final two slices of bread and realising that one of them’s mouldy; but you really want a sandwich. *Rolls eyes*.

4. The Guy That Trains At Your Gym

Oh sure, it’s all fun and games when you’re pressed up against his pecs, practising your squats on his dick – but who’s left red-faced after you farted mid-rimming, and now have to make small talk in the changing room.
“Weather’s a bit shit, ain’t it?”
“Yeah… Real windy…”
*Awaits immediate apocalypse*.

5. The Guy Who’s ALWAYS On The Hook-Up Hype

Believe us, there’s a reason that little green icon is permanently present next to “Looking for now”. He’s already slept with everyone in the area, and cruises 24/7 for a fresh soul to suck… via their dick. Why else does he have every slut app under the sun? If, for whatever reason (uncontrollable horn/high af), you do decide to meet up with him, don’t be surprised if his hole looks like a wet scrunchie and feels like slinging a chipolata in a bag for life. Throwing you out after the persistent jingle of the Grindr alert is also a possibility.

6. The Guy You’ve Always Wanted To Sleep With

They say you should never meet your heroes… Well, guess what? You should never fuck them either. OK, so he may not be a hero, but your level of thirst for his jizz on your face, is on par with Ryan Phillipe’s. Unfortunately, what you build-up mentally to be hot, passionate, animalistic sex will probably end up as a nasty case of whiplash and a pillow case with skid marks. Either that, or it will be everything you’ve ever (wet) dreamed of, and you’ll be leaving 43 messages a day on his answering machine while he pursues your best friend on social media.

7. The One That Likes You Way More Than You Like Him

Sure, you may think that a sympathy shag is doing your little bit for charity, while dusting out those cobwebs under your foreskin (ain’t nobody like a dry spell, babes), but you need to see further than your bell-end. Next thing you know, he’s standing outside your window in the pouring rain, craddling ten quids worth of carnations he bought at the Shell garage, belting out Erasure via a crackly karaoke machine. Erm, “SECURITTYY!”
Think before you toss that lap dog a bone. And it works both ways, sleeping with someone that you secretly have feelings for will only lead to you over-analysing their every move: What did that text mean? Was that sneeze a subliminal message of his love for me? Who’s this guy called ‘Dad’ blowing up his phone?!

8. The Virgin

Unless you’re in love with the boy, and intend on a relationship (or showing him a guaranteed good time), don’t do it. As much as the idea of pushing your dick into an orifice tighter than camel’s clunge in a sandstorm turns you on, keep in mind that it’s an experience he’ll remember. Fucking him on a tatty mattress in your parent’s spare room, beneath a giant Breakfast At Tiffany’s poster, and sending him on his way to the bus stop is instant bad karma.

9. The One You’re Not Compatible With

It can be tempting to overlook someone else’s sexual preference, but it doesn’t matter how attractive he is, a pretty smile won’t pound your prostate. And two bottoms scissoring is just as bleak as two total tops pretending they’re too butch to bend over. But this extends beyond the persuasion of pleasure; if he’s been sober for four years, turning up high af will go down like a plate of lukewarm vomit. Similarly, shagging someone blackout drunk when you’re not, will result in slurred dirty talk, sloppy kisses and possibly a concussion.

10. The Guy You Work With

Similar to the guy from your gym, it’s about mixing pleasure and painful run-ins. Who doesn’t like the thought of potentially getting caught with their co-workers genitals in their mouth in the stationary cupboard? But after you’ve cleaned your wad off the stapler and refiled your dignity, every working day that follows is filled with a ‘so yeah, we got thrusty’ awkwardness. Unless you get fired of course. Or better yet, get obliterated on Bailey’s at the Christmas party, throw yourself at him under the mistletoe, before pouring your heart out while your boss massacres Mariah Carey.

As Demi Lovato — slightly more famous sister of Poot Lovato — stepped in an NYC club last week to plug her new album The Monster. And there was certainly a monster present. Unfortunately for Demi, it was in her back-up dancer’s go-go shorts. The performance got a standing ovation but most people had forgot Lovato was even there. Ah well, least the cover charge was definitely worth it.

Watch the dancer move his crotch towards her and she’s like, ‘honey, don’t fucking temp a hag’…

We’ve seen a few parodies of Miley Cyrus’ tongue, and how she can barely keep the damn thing in her mouth for longer than two seconds, (girl, walking round the VMAs like she’s looking for someone to rim), but this one has to be our fave. Girl, you thought her tongue was wild before, check out the NSFW gif that shows a guy making it helicopter with his dong… We don’t know whether we’re grabbing the box of Kleenex for our tears of laughter, or, um, something else…

From dick pics, to casual sex, to single life.

Because. Memes.

1. Because you would never let your best friend get off that easily

2. EVERY weekend in your 20s (and sometimes 30s):

3. Those times when you really have to be strong

4. HOLLA to all those men who are Masc4Masc – when they want to be…

5. The reason you don’t put underwear on to go grocery shopping

6. When your man knows his anal geography:

7. And when he doesn’t:

8. Them times when he’s taking ages to cum

9. *Vanilla bitch face*

10. When you just tryna find ‘The One’ but end up being a hoe

11. Because best friends give good advice:

12. Put down the phone and step away from social media

13. That lie doesn’t get anybody anywhere

14. THIS

15. Be a hoe. But don’t be a stupid hoe. 

16. Those times they get carried away 

17. When you haven’t had sex in far too long

18. Drunk-texting when you want his dick

19. After you told him you’re allergic to latex

20. His stamina game is just too strong

21. He used REALLY good angles

22. When that cute boy wants commitment, and you just wanna bang

23. EVERY time you go to the GUM clinic and that bitch judging you, like

24. When you’re single but your penis thinks you’ve got a man

25. When you come home from the Grindr threesome on a Sunday afternoon

26. After that session, like:

27. When you going through a damn dry spell

28. Those 3 seconds feel like endless hours

29. Because you’re a soldier

30. And knowing that this is the single reality:

[Credit: IG – @Bulge2go / @lovesexandla]

Well, we knew the standards for one to have a calendar released weren’t exactly high, but we didn’t realise there was a demand for yellow taxi drivers. Is there something slightly appealing about blowing your driver instead of paying for your fair? Kinda. But we’ll let you make up your own minds about the images below. I mean, if willowly pedophiles and overweight greaseballs don’t float your boat, then perhaps this isn’t the calendar for you… I mean, if Harold squished into a car boot with his balls sandwiched between his legs isn’t sexy, we don’t know what is anymore…

One commenter even wrote, that this is New York’s biggest disaster since 9/11… (OK, it was us. We said that).

BUY YOURS NOW BEFORE THEY SELL OUT (OR ONE OF THE ‘MODELS’ STABS YOU ON THE STREET). 

Would you get in? *Gulp*

Well, they do say 3 is a magic number…

Who wants the first ride?

Sure, he may not be an Abercrombie model, but look at that mamel toe… Mmmm

Showing his playful side…

Man has mad fashion game

OK, so there’s one model you’d bang after a couple shots, but according to one commenter – he’s a criminal… 

See the full photo shoot here… If you dare

It’s our first ever Thanksgiving (well, Friendsgiving anyway), and in celebration of the pilgrims experimenting with anal sex for the first time for 40 nights in the desert (that’s right, init?), we’re giving you 20 totally NSFW GIFs to be thankful for. Just perhaps don’t hold them up to nana Maud at the dinner table.

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Elliott Caranci-Finch is a London-based photographer that has been capturing the dark underbelly of the trashy London gay sex scene. The images, like most of the inhabitants of Vauxhall, are dirty, raw, and predominantly naked. Grubby needles, perverse sexual activities, fetish wear and animal masks all play a part in Finch’s twisted tale of chems and cocks. Isn’t actually a far cry from some of the things we get sent on Snapchat, actually.

I mean, it’s just a boring chill out if there isn’t somebody with a horses head douching in the shower. Am I right? But it just goes to demonstrate, one minute you’re checking you Grindr messages and then one thing leads to another and your tied up with a bungee cord and a gas mask on. It happens.

The images spark enough intrigue to people that have witnessed the orgies of South London, let alone those outside of that bubble…

It’s our last Gays Overheard from LA (and even some of these came overseas through Whatsapp), but coming pool parties in the Hills, Santa Monica Boulevard and 1Oak in West Hollywood, we’re talking controversial comments regarding Paris, messy Grindr meets, and how to have a quiet night out before work.

We have the sneaking feeling that Reverend Peter Miqueli will have to do more than a few Hail Marys to receive forgiveness for his multitude of sins. Although if there was a prize for committing a plethora of sins all at once, Miqueli would take the gold. The Rev is being accused by torch-weilding church-goers of having sticky fingers when passed the donation plate. And furthermore, of spending the money on sex toys, drugs and a hot tub (obvs). Like duh, if you’re gonna steal from God, you’re going to hell anyway, so might as well make it worthwhile.

Had Miqueli been thieving for hospital bills of a sick relative or to buy some jazzier Jesus robes, the Lord might hath forgiven him. Anyway, Miqueli apparently had an ongoing relationship with this rent boy Keith Crist, who insisted that the priest call him “Master” (now that’s just a slap to God’s face), and guzzle his piss. Since the allegations, it has come out that Crist’s ex-girlfriend Tatayana (who do you expect your child to date with a name like that?!) had penned an unholy email to Cardinal Timothy Dolan, detailing the sexcapades.

According to NY Post, he had fantasies of being humiliated in front of a “nice Jewish girl”. That’s some damn niche fetish. Let’s call it: Jewishumilaphilia (Jew-ish-humilia-phila). Loves it. In the emails, which were sent to Dolan over the summer, she describes Miqueli as a “toilet slave”. And claims that the reverend was footing the bill for her and Crist’s apartment in East Harlem, that was constantly covered in needles and dildos. Sounds pleasant. They were jacking up on some opiate called Dilaudid.

One parishioner of the Bronx institute, claims that the church are going out their way to protect Miqueli, and that they “suspect a scandal behind a scandal”.

The Archdiocese have ordered an audit on the Parish and are taking the allegations very seriously.

Every year we look over the sexiest guys and their hottest moments of the last 12 months. Our list is made up quite simply of three factors; hotness, relevance (how much they’ve appeared in the public eye) and popularity (how many page views and shares you’ve given them on our site).

Let us know what you think in the comments!

20. Justin Bieber (NEW ENTRY)

The reformed star was MORE than enough in the headlines this year, what with the Calvin Klein campaign at the start of the year, followed by alleged sexts between him an Selena, butt flashing on Instagram, nude paparazzi shots, see-through underwear and an oiled up photo shoot for Cosmopolitan. DAMN!! To be fair, he’d of ranked higher if it wasn’t for that awful dye job halfway through the year.

19. John Cena (NEW ENTRY) 

It may have only been that one scene, in that one movie, but it had us all wishing we were Amy Schumer – even if the sex did look like a Trainwreck. He may not ever feature on our lists again (sex scandal?), but he’ll remain in our wank bank.

18. Calvin Harris (NEW ENTRY)

The DJ turned face/bulge of Armani took our breath away earlier in the year with his new body and modelling contract. We see where Taylor Swift is cumming from!

17. Don Benjamin

Another contestant from ANTM (those boys had a LOT of nude leaks this year), that sent you guys into a frenzy earlier in the year – with nude leaks. As if mixed raced boys with blue eyes are magical enough as it is.

16. Joauqin Ferreria (NEW ENTRY)

It’s questionnable whether you’ll remember Joauqin from earlier this year. Well, until you see THAT penis pic that got the gay internet gossiping like little girls. Needless to say our hits sky-rocketed…

15. Justin Theroux (NEW ENTRY)

After the first trailer for Leftovers, everybody totally understood why Miss Jennifer Aniston couldn’t stop smiling – it was the ‘bulge GIF’ that took this year by storm. And later in the year, we found out he had the back-off to boot. See Jen, every Angelina-man-stealing-cloud has a hung silver lining…

14. Calum Best (NEW ENTRY)

Every Brit’s fave… He started the year off with morning wood on Celebrity Big Brother, took a bubble bath, followed by countless shirtless selfies, and finally a promo for Cocktails & Cocktalk in LA. There’s a reason his last name is Best.

13. Pietro Boselli (NEW ENTRY)

From Maths teacher to underwear model for Charlie, Boselli has enjoyed one crazy year. A number of revealing photo shoots got him into your school boy fantasies, as the sexy teacher issuing detention – among other things…

12. Cheyenne Jackson

Tall, dark and handsome. Just the way we like them. Cheyenne finally stripped off on-screen for the year’s biggest TV show, American Horror Story: Hotel. If anyone can get you naked, it’s Ryan Murphy — and the results were a perfectly peachy behind.

11. Alexander Skarsgard

The star of True Blood had fans lusting after more than just his neck with a full frontal nude scene earlier in the program, and is now set to be the permanently shirtless Tarzan… Here’s why:

10. Zac Efron (Down 9)

Last year’s number 1 is down 9 places. Sure, he’s remained relevant and mostly naked for a large part of the year, but you can only pull the same trick so many times before people don’t believe in the magic anymore. And lycra bulges ain’t doing jack. We either need a reinvention, more photo shoots, and/or a dick pic.

9. Joe Manganiello (NEW ENTRY)

He may have only featured in one major picture this year, but damn, did he have every young boy lusting after a daddy figure wetting their knickers. (Not in an incestuos, creepy way – just a buff older guy with facial hair kinda way). Those pelvic thrusts, those facial expressions…

8. Jamie Dornan (NEW ENTRY)

The star was #5 on our list in 2012, but dropped to the Honorable mentions last year due to his lack of public appearances. This year he starred and stripped in the infamous 50 Shades of Shit movie… But he didn’t do much else, so he enters at 8. (FYI: Making him shave his beard, was fucking criminal, OK?)

7. Sylvian Portard (NEW ENTRY)

The french rugby player didn’t have to do much to go viral this year. Well apart from get his wanger out. And he had you guys sharing in your thousands! One of the most popular posts we had this year, but with only that one photo, followed by some disappointing softcore porn it wasn’t enough to get him harder higher than 7…

6. Lucien Laviscount (NEW ENTRY)

His role in Scream Queens was less than we’d hoped for, but that doesn’t change how sexy he was. Shirtless shoots and a dick pic leak all in one year, we predict big things for Laviscount in the future!

5. Matt Bomer (NEW ENTRY)

Not only was Bomer (and his bum) present in the biggest film of the summer as Tatum’s sidekick in the Magic Mike sequel, he also took a lead role as Donovan in AHS: Hotel. So basically, he spent a majority of 2015 without clothes on. That brings him straight in at #5.

4. Scott Eastwood (NEW ENTRY)

The son of Clint proves he’s just as much of a dreamboat in the looks department; and had us planning weddings ever since he was snapped working out on the streets of LA. Following that, he became the face – and ripped torso – of Davidoff, showcased his prominent bulge, and had a nude scene that surprisingly few under the radar.

3. Michael Hoffman (NEW ENTRY)

Even we’re rolling our eyes that Hoffman entered in the list at third, up from an Honorable Mention last year, the Tumblr tease released a plethora of ‘porn’ this year, and finally got involved with a boy – sort of. He’s a basic basket-case, but you guys LOVE him. Like, literally love him. We wonder why…

2. Nyle DiMarco (NEW ENTRY)

The winner of the final cycle of America’s Next Top Model, won over the nation (read: everyone), with an abundance of unspeakably sexy photos, his toned physique, dark eyes, and of course – who can forget that GIF:

1. Channing Tatum (Up 8)

Whether you agree or not, Magic Mike XXL was the film of the summer. And it was the film that everybody waited the first six months of the year to see. We even bought cinema tickets. CINEMA TICKETS. He showed his support for the LGBT community (while boosting sales of his film, obviously) on a float at LA Pride, he vogued, he did Beyoncé drag — but it was THIS scene that earned him the top spot on our list… It still gives us goosebumps, in our penis.

Honorable mentions

Jussie Smollett
The lead guy of award-winning Empire was close to the top 20… But wasn’t quite sexy enough – even with that blurry-ass nude. *Rolls eyes*.

Nick Jonas
He played more gay characters this year than most bitches on the gay scene. Spoke sweetly of his gay fans. Partied at gay bars. But he’s not actually gay. But he might have sucked dick. Confused? Yeah, everyone was. Had Jonas approach not been so ‘try hard’, he might have just scraped in. But those nude scenes weren’t even that hot.

Cristiano Ronaldo
He had a few hot moments this year, mostly that time he visited the pysio and posted that totally posed-not-posed photo of his bulge. He also released his own underwear range. Not forgetting sparking debate about his sexuality – come out already and do a spread for Attitude…

Keegan Hirst
..Speaking of, that’s exactly what Hirst did. Then he just got on with his life. *Cough* Simon Dunn *Cough*.

The Game
Two extremely provocative selfies just smelt of desperation for likes. Once is surprising… Twice is thirst.

Eager to know what’s in store for your love life this year? Well, our totally accurate hoe-o-scopes will tell you if you’ll be falling in love or just falling into bed with countless men…

Aquarius:

You may not have the best track record with men, but in 2016 you manage to steer clear of dickheads and douchebags — just about! April isn’t just a time for spring awakenings as you start to notice your inner hoe breaking free. And you find yourself falling for an average joe you gave a cheeky hand-job to. Open your legs to new experiences in June. To deepen love with a partner be prepared to engage in a bit of S&M. If you’re single, an exciting prospect comes in the form of a dom top in late October, and you’ll end the year meeting his painfully boring parents.  

Pisces:

This year is all about new experiences; so try being a top, or dating a black guy. Stretch yourself… mentally, physically and anatomically. As the year progresses you’ll drop a ton of weight through a new-found drug habit or an unhealthy obsession with the way you look and general ennui of being the Michelle of your group. But you’ll look totally major for it though. So don’t be surprised when a penis from the past comes knocking on your bedroom door. He did you wrong, but the dick good and he’s rich, so with the help of beneficial Jupiter, you rekindle that flame. Beware side-boys and a jealous muscle Mary with excessive facial hair. 

Aries:

There’s a slim possibility of love this year, mainly ‘cause you only ever meet men off Tinder. Use this year as an opportunity to socialize more. Accept invites to events, dinner parties and orgies. Around October you’ll be oozing confidence (and potentially genital pus), but you’ve found your sexuality again. Steer clear of drunken fumblings with friends of friends, and flirting with the husbands of socialite bitches. If you’re coupled up, a romantic getaway in September has connotations to a ring; whether it’s a proposal or the best rim-job of your life, only your care-free persona and grooming techniques will tell. Going shopping for sex toys in late November leads to a kinky threesome. 

Taurus:

While you’re not the only one who hates the colder months, things will heat up for you early next year; unfortunately it could just be a urinary tract infection. But your piss won’t be the only thing burning in 2016, Venus encourages you to spread the love – and your legs. Look out for a mysterious Daddy-type eating a croissant at Pret-a-manger. He’s not The One, but fuzzy feelings come more from just his moustache on your pelvis. Keep your options open though, as with Venus in your sign you’ll be attracting enough boys to have your pick. You’ll end the year with a string of meaningless hook-ups under your belt (literally), and a new love interest at work. He’s kinda vanilla, but you’re naturally persuasive.  

Gemini: 

Entering 2016, it’s time to ditch the fuckboys. Plan a trip around March and April to experience a holiday romance – and multiple orgasms. But don’t get too attached, as he’s got more issues than Vogue. And he doesn’t even wear designer. Saying that, so do you… Leave them on his bedroom floor, honey. If you’re partnered, it’s time to get frisky in public; taxis, theaters and morgues bring a spice that’s been absent from your sex life. After a few frivolous flirtations, from July look out for a business man with a beefy chest, that shares your interests. Be wary of a jealous ex that’s losing his hair.

Cancer:

There are big things headed your way for 2016. Seriously, girl. If you thought you were tight before, you might be having second thoughts towards the end of the year. Passion becomes intense around the summer months, but if you want to keep the man you need to compromise; give up smoking, stop slut-shaming, accept he’s a little basic, etc. Just don’t let the stallion ruin you for future prospects, if you know what I mean. Clear your diary in August for a sizzling stint in the sun, but avoid the temptation to cheat with a chiseled club promoter. In December make sure you get checked, as someone may not have been entirely honest with you. 

Leo:

A fashion overhaul this year makes you a more attractive prospect to men who aren’t good enough for you anyway. Still though, you were never one to turn down a one night stand. Treat walk of shames like a runway. Just try and do it on the DL, as ugly bitches will be quick to call you out. In May, you’ll assert yourself as hot property. Though a messy facial with a mediocre simpleton will have you questioning your recent decisions. Come September, as Jupiter moves into your rising sun, you’ll be content with a local fuck buddy. Just remember your arrangement, and don’t go coco-loco throwing cutlery, if you’re not the only one he’s riding.

Virgo:

Love looks set to sparkle this year for Virgos; even if it is just a glistening cock ring. If you’re in a relationship, Valentines will see a totes romantic gesture that’s certainly more exiting than the love making that follows. Singletons have the opportunity to meet the perfect partner reaching for an eggplant in your local supermarket. Jupiter suggests you remove negative people and thrusty queens from your social media. While you’re usually a logical sign, take extra precaution in August, when your man’s foot fetish spirals out of control. You’ll end the year with a new outlook on love, boundaries and anal beads.

Libra:

2016 brings a change in the way of love for you Libra. After a rocky last relationship, you’re ready to have fun; experiment with new lovers, live oput your fantasies, and maybe even catch a few STIs. Be cautious of unstable hoes looking to wreak havoc in your life in late February. An eye-watering dick pic in June could lead to violent donkey punch. But come September, a handsome otter you meet at a fetish party could bring some stability in your love life, even though he has a reputation. In the later months there could be some friction; always use lube.

Scorpio:

You ain’t wasting no time, girl. From the start of the year, your Grindr is ringing like Beyoncé’s alarm. Take the year – and a youthful chicken – in your stride, you really get into this dominant role. Don’t be too quick to shower the twink in gifts though, as he’s broke. This year, Scorpios are able to be more open about their feelings; so in March don’t be afraid to tell him he has an ugly sex face. Singles will snag a crush they’ve been chasing for a while, though a sex tape won’t be as horny as you thought. (Know your angles, boo). Be wary of scaring men away in September by being too pushy, needy or drunk. Lucky Venus suggests you swallow.

Sagittarius:

This year, work can prevent you from investing in anything long-term. Which although is fine by you, look out for an impotent fumble in February. Spring starts off a little slow, but an accidental bukaki in a dark room reignites your lust for anonymous sex. Couples should keep love alive by dirty talking, compliments and sex in a jacuzzi around early June. Role play could lead to a break-up. Single slags will experience dry spells from August, before someone crucial enters your love life – and sphincter – towards the end of the year. You’ll be seeing stars, but that might be because he pounded you against the headboard.

Capricorn:

While Capricorns are open to love this year, it’s a blast from the past that rears their bulbous bell-end in late January. You remain a social butterfly, with a handful of lackluster sexual experiences until summer, when you’ll experience a new type of obsessive lust. Ditching your friends for wild passion with fiery Spaniard leaves you making amends when he dumps you. Couples also experience a hitch in the bedroom when a sexual adventure goes awry. In November, you’re sultry, seductive and slurpy – working with lucky Jupiter energy means that you’ll narrowly avoid an STI. 

[Images: Michael Sanderson]