It’s like the old saying goes, “it’s all fun and games until you turn 26 and your hangovers are like Armageddon”. Seriously, getting old sucks more than your crush calling you “mate” – but sometimes you have to look at the silver lining – and I’m not referring to grey hairs. There are more reasons to start maturing, and not just because nature is forcing you to…

1. Technology

Technology has absolutely no chill these days. Between smartphones and social media, you literally can’t get away with the same shit you used to. These days you can’t even rack up a few lines or make a sex tape without being crippled by anxiety that someone will ruin your career a few years later. Cut to your birthday, and people are posting videos and photos of you in second-hand wigs thinking you’re the fiercest thing since Destiny’s Child popped up out the floor at the Superbowl. All those horrific moments from your wilder days that you thought were dead and buried, be appearing on your NewsFeed like some resurrected evil spirit.

2. Reputation

They say “it takes a second to get a bad reputation, but a long time to get rid of one”. For real, they’re harder to shift than that stubborn holiday weight. People only need to see you being carried to the medic room once for everyone to think you’re trashbag wasting your life. They only need to hear one whisper from a hoe you banged to have your bedroom behaviour nailed. And they only need one stupid tweet from when you were a teenager to have made up their mind about you for life. Maybe it’s time to bury the person with bad hair, cheap clothes and no shame.

RELATED: 7 Things The World Did Before Dick Pics

3. Success

Whether you choose to accept it or not, a hedonistic lifestyle will always stand in the way of your dreams. So, if you’ve come to the decision that you’re ready for the next step in your career, or feel like you’ve been waiting forever for things to start coming together – perhaps it’s time to reconsider how much shit you’re shoving up your nose. And it’s not just your work life it obscures; it’s can also get in the way of your body goals. Too thin or too fat? It notoriously fucks up your diet and gym routine.

4. Relationships

We’ve stated before that the Vauxhall Curse prevents gay men from snagging any kind of long term boyfriend, but it’s not just Vauxhall… Whenever you’re too drunk or a bit buzzing, there’s always those random things that come out your mouth, that you wouldn’t say if you were sober. Whoops…

Having seen videos of myself barely able to hold my head up at brunch after bottomless mimosas, it speaks volumes about how other people see you. We’ve all been in a club, and thought ‘what a mess’ about some twink that’s gone out drinking on an empty stomach and ended up slumped in a corner, dribbling down himself. Taking into consideration the amount of times I can’t remember getting home, I dread to think the amount of people that have thought that about me.

“I can’t believe I’m still single”, you think mindlessly scrolling through Tinder. But how many potential boyfriends have seen you in a state that would put off the thirstiest of guys? *Shudder*.

But beyond boys, friendships that revolve around clubs and after parties can be volatile, childish, deceptive, negative and flakey.

RELATED: 5 Reasons Coffee Dates Are The Absolute Worst

5. Beauty

It’s pretty obvious that burning the candle at both ends takes it’s toll on your looks. You only have to look at Daniella Westbrook for that. It’s bad enough that your insides are gradually rotting – but when the effects of being a wild child start to show on the facade you’re struggling to hold together like a broken vase, it’s time to replace shots of G with shots of Aloe Vera. Or at least do both.

6. Balance

It’s sounds very “zen bullshit”, but a lot of happiness derives from balance. When you’re higher than the clouds one day and emotionally six-feet under the next, your life will usually centre around chaos. You think that the consequences of your actions only have immediate reactions? Think again. Two days later when you’re panicking about your work deadline, have no money for food – let alone a hair cut – and have totally forgot about that’s friends dinner party – it’s not just a coincidence.

Recently we introduced you guys to Bulges of the Sports World… An extremely relevant portrayal about dick being squished into lycra and attempting to burst out of tiny rugby shorts. And while it’s already tipped for big things over this Award season, it may have some competition… As these aren’t just any bulges – they’re celebrity bulges – and there’s over 40 of them…

Excuse yourself from your desk and pop for the bathroom for two minutes.

Fuck boy; originally the term was just a throwaway insult for a no-good man, like ‘scrub’ or ‘loser’. But with misinterpretation across the world wide web, it’s developed to having deeper meaning that refers to a man that doesn’t care about, or know how to treat, his partner. A bit like a player, but oh so much worse. We recently spoke about what makes a gentleman, and now we’re discussing the opposite…

Plans that never materialise

Holidays to the Meditterean, press nights and even Madonna concerts, are just a few of the imaginary tales he’ll throw your way. Listen, the fuckboy will promise you a fucking unicorn that shits 24 carat diamonds, if it will get him what he wants. It’s textbook… You know, that thing he can’t read. Be cautious of the overly-used “we” that subconsciously indicates that he sees you as anything more than a blow-up sex doll, with better suction. So before you go packing your suitcase for a romantic weekend in Sardinia, make sure he’s not playing you. ‘Cause while you’re sitting around waiting for his call after spending hours getting ready, he’s probably inside his ex.

Devious facade

While the fuckboy is only ever out for himself – he’ll appear like he has a soul, let alone even knows what one is. Kind of like a vampire, only a bit of holy water won’t turn this egotistical sack of shit into dust. He frequently comes across as a nicest guy in the world, but it’s no revelation that you’re just another notch on his spindly bedpost. He’ll convince you that his actions benefits others, including you, but the selfish reality is that everybody’s emotions are secondary to his own satisfaction.

Everything is on his terms

One of the defining characteristics about the fuckboy is that he likes to be in control. And he’ll use anything from his big dick to his bouji apartment to get you to fall in line. It goes hand-in-hand with his delusion of self-righteousness. While it can be good to have a man that’s a strong decision maker, manipulation is a different ball game altogether. And your input is slung on the back seat with his smelly gym kit. Which is why…

Dates are out of the question

Dates require effort. Thought. Feeling. Seen as he doesn’t care about any of that, the most extravagant gesture you’ll get is probably Netflix and chill. Or maybe just YouTube and a hand-job. *Eye roll*. If a guy is truly interested in being with you, he’s happy to go on a date without rushing into sex; it doesn’t always have to be the end game of every meeting. Don’t get me wrong, ain’t none of us here nuns, but there’s a reason he wants you to drop your knickers without taking you for dinner…

He doesn’t respect you

A man that respects you is the first step to finding a keeper. It doesn’t matter how charming that smile is, how thick that eggplant is or how bulging the bank account, it all means nothing if he holds you with less regard than he does his emotions. Certainly don’t expect man to be going and deleting his Grindr/Tinder/etc.

His conversations are only ever based on sex

Don’t be surprised if you start receiving Whatsapp messages at 2am, saying ‘What u up to?’ UMM, you know damn well what I’m fucking up to, babe; I’m asleep. Or being carried home from a dingy cocktail bar by my best mates, but that’s neither here not there. It’s a diversionay tactic to prevent him from discussing his feelings, but also because a mattress bitch is all he values you for. And that’s nothing to do with you, those are his issues.

He’s a game player

The fuckboy thinks his love life is a game of poker, mate. One minute he’ll blow hot, the next minute, cold. It’s his way of preventing you from getting too close, but also from moving on to anyone else. It also enables him to use you when he needs something, and serve you a slice of pie when he doesn’t. So don’t be surprised if he goes from licking up your crevices, to “too busy” to see you for three weeks.

FINALLY: The fuckboy thinks he’s cool AF, but when it boils down to it that’s just another symptom of his self-delusion.

So what do you do if you fucking with a fuckboy? Well honey, that depends what you want from life/a relationship. If you’re a weak thot that’s content with being some douchebags doormat, continue… If you’ve got an ounce of self-respect and know you deserve the best of a man out there, you move on. It don’t matter how good that dick is, or how much he denies playing you — you can do better. Do let him make you believe any less – that’s exactly what he’s counting on.

[Image credit: Gayguys.com]

Last year, a book that hit shelves claimed that straight men were engaging in totally not gay blowjobs with other men; ergo, making ‘bro-jobs’ officially a thing. SO, it was only a matter of time before somebody capitalised on the idea and made an app for men interested in sausage play, but don’t want the ‘gay’ label.

Enter: BRO. According to Queerty, it is designed for heteroflexible (never heard that word before, but absolutely love it) dudes to link on the DL. The apps description claims, “BRO goes beyond using labels, and is for men that are interested in meeting other men. It’s as simple as that. Just sign up, and start looking for new bros!”

Following the book by Jane Ward, and the recent survey that there are more men that ever identifying as ‘non-straight’, it seems that BRO has entered the world at technology at just the right point. Will it take off? Or will it be every Masc 4 Masc hoe that is tired of posting “no femmes” to their profile. We all know that with terms like ‘sexually fluid’, that sexuality is evolving – so will straight-identifying men, that have man action ocassionally become a new thing? Or is this just a marketing overhaul for the skepticized bisexual?

Will you swap fisting for a fist-bump and sign up?

After recent warning that a gang in South London were using Grindr to rob people, comes a tale of armed kidnapping and robbery. Although, we’re not sure if it should still be called ‘kid’napping, when it’s the toddlers that were holding the gun. Three youths lured in a horny Grindr gremlin in West Palm Beach, but he didn’t get the kind of group fun one hopes for. In fact, they piled into his car, gun-pointed and demanding his money.

That’s not the kind of weapon he was wishing they’d pull out, I’m sure. They then made him drive to an ATM, where the victim escaped into a local business. Can you imagine, Tatiana taking orders at some Cuban hole in the wall and a this queen bursts in H&H, screaming about a Grindr robbery. Scarlet.

He called the police, and the boys are being charged with armed kidnapping and armed robbery, while being held in a Juvenile Assessment Centre. Wait, hold on a minute, these boys were born in 1999? As if people that weren’t even alive when the Spice Girls broke up are now committing serious crimes. My, how they grow…

We said it before, so we’ll repeat it again — be very careful who you are meeting online. Meet in public places if possible, sure you can’t exactly be like “Come into the Starbucks on 34th and 8th, no need to knock, I’ll be on all fours waiting…”

But to prevent incidents like this, guys need to be on alert. Peace out. Safe shagging.

[H/T: Queerty]

Yesterday we showed one guy’s attempt at replacing a ping pong paddle with his penis; the contact sound alone was enough to make us gasp. And now there’s a new viral of a porn star playing ‘dick baseball’. Though, we’re going to assume that it’s not a proper baseball, as he’d probably have well and truly bruised his dong.

CHECK OUT THE *NSFW* VIDEO HERE

[H/T: AntiTwink]

My boyfriend is moving out of his apartment to live with a friend of his. They met through grindr, he’s single, but they haven’t done anything together. (As far as I know). When I told him I was a little uncomfortable with the situation because I don’t know him as much, he said “Relax, and stop overthinking the situation.” I am moving in to a place with a friend as well and he said: “I barely know you’re friend that you’re moving in with. Its the same situation.”

But the thing is my friend is straight, not gay. I had someone cheat on me in the past and its just fucked everything up in my head and for relationships in general. Do I just trust until its broken or am I being an idiot for feeling this way? I feel like a jealous child right now.

We’ve been together for 8 months, but they’ve been friends for a year. And I told him, I’d like to hang out with him more. I’m just a little pissed about the situation. Its not that I don’t trust him, but with the two of them together, they get to share something I don’t get to. They get to eat together, watch tv together, see each other when they get home from work.

And when I come over, I’ll just be a guest in their house. It naturally creeps me out. And all he’s saying right now is: “I love you more than anything, but you need to get over it. I’m tired of living alone. We can’t move in together yet, because we’re not there yet (I agree) and you just need to trust him.” Its just, he’s single, they’ll be alone a lot together, the chance of something happening and not telling me is just a little too high for comfort.

Hi insecure,

You’re right to feel uneasy. You have better chance of getting in a tank of piranhas and trusting them not to eat you, than you would trusting a boyfriend not to cheat. But you state “as far as [you] know”, they haven’t fucked/fiddled/fumbled. To what extent is your knowledge? If you’re basing on the fact that your boyfriend hasn’t openly told you, then truthfully they probably hooked-up, realised they were both bottoms, and became ‘friends’. Which, offers some good news, and some bad news.

The good news, is that if they were going to hook-up and be together, why weren’t they already? But the bad news is, that if they have played around, there’s always the possibility of it happening again. So let’s just ask what everyone is thinking, is he hot? Is the roommate bangable? Would you do him after five dark rums on a cold winter evening? Also, how attractive is your man? Is this Grindr queen likely to slip a surprise through the bottom of the popcorn box while watching Love Actually?

I have to point out though, your bloke telling you to “relax” and “get over it”, suggests that he’s either quite insensitive to the situation that he’s put you in, or that you’re constantly whinging about it to him. But I’m guessing the latter because as you feel like a jealous child, you’re probably acting like one. You sound a little Single, White Female, running your gums about the moments they’ll share and you won’t. What you wanna wipe his arse too? Get in sea and calm down, girl. He’s going to eat and watch TV with whoever he shares a flat with.

Give him some air. Don’t you get that living with your man is when it all goes downhill? Flatulence. Nail clippings in the bath. His washing up in the sink for a fortnight. And while I’m sure, you’re happy to go from mandem to maid, so you can keep a beady eye on him, but that’s no way of life sister-friend.

You can’t share a flat with him (yet), so you don’t want anyone else to. Simples. Take your boyfriend’s advice and get over it. I don’t care how you get there; sashay, mince, take a damn Uber, but just get over that jealousy before he dumps you because your hiding in the rubbish skip on the other side of the street with night-vision goggles and a turkey sandwich to get you through ’til morning.  Or at least the pretend to get over it. You need some lessons in ‘hiding the crazy’; it’s all about snooping, and pretending you’re fine with the arrangement while subtly monitoring their every interaction.

Your ex has clearly left you with trust issues, as you obviously don’t trust your man. Give him a chance, he might surprise you. And if you catch them in bed together, then set that pretty little house they share on fire. With them both inside.

Good luck! Xoxo

Remember love heart sweets from the 90s? Of course you do, thinking of your crush in your head, and then taking out the next sweet which would define your relationship with them like a fortune cookie. Well, these tees have been given a modern – if not a more realistic – spin. Still not bagged a man? Honey, romance is so 2012. This year is all about embracing the age of Grindr, accepting that you’re not chained down, and flirting ’til your fucking lashes fall off.

ENTER THE STORE (for full range of colours/slogans)

The nation’s crush George Shelley – former Union J member and twink of the Celebrity jungle – may not have been able to stay in the closet any longer, but it seems his knob couldn’t stay in his pants either! Saucy snapchats reportedly belonging to the singer have surface online, much to the internets pleasure…

Comments below!

CLICK HERE FOR THE BONER-FIED SNAPS!

Between tops, bottoms, H&H, Masc4masc, gay people may as well have their own dictionary. So we’ve devised a completely accurate decoding of what they all mean; the brutal truth behind the slang. 

Daniel May. Never has anyone been so desperate for fame since Katie Hopkins – although even we don’t believe that she would sink as low as to lie about an attack. Daniel May first caused controversy when he appeared on First Dates and made comments regarding his date Paublo who was admitted that he liked to wear high heels. May then went on to do an interview with GuysLikeU where he made the bold statement that “camp men make him embarrassed to be gay”.

We blogged the ridiculous comments, and told a queen where to sit (on our stiletto, whore). Daniel was clearly obsessed with the media attention surrounding him, sharing and retweeting every article speaking of him – even the ones that shaded him and his glittery ensemble. Desperate to drag out his 15 minutes, to an extended 20, May claims he was attacked near his home in Bromley by two men in their late-20s.

Honey, not being funny, but if somebody attacked you they probably wouldn’t have done it half-arsed. So, was May crying wolf because although he loved the media attention, but he disliked being so hated? Well queen, that’s the price of fame thirst. May posted pictures of a whimsical bloody nose that looked like he’d merely been scratched by a cat. I mean, who hit you? Edna the elderly woman from next door with her broken wrist? For all we know, this could’ve been done willingly in his bedroom as he openly admits he likes to be thrown about in the bedroom. Not only that, but May never actually filed a police report, and skimmed over the sketchy details in his interview with Attitude magazine – who seem to have now removed the article.

The media picked up this story, calling the attack “violent” and “vile”. Girl, please, hold my earrings, I’ll show you violent. Following this, screenshots surfaced on social media claiming to show Daniel May ADMITTING to causing the injuries himself, with “things [he] found in his kitchen”. Wasn’t hardly a steak knife though, was it? WEAK.

Since then, May has claimed that the account was fake. Babe, nobody has as much free time as you.

So where from here? WELL, he’s even hashtagged #MostHatedGay in a bit to get into the Big Brother house… let’s be real, even if this twat does make it in, she’ll be long forgotten a week after she’s voted out in week 2. And it seems that as aggravated as the public are, that May would lie about such a thing, people are rapidly losing interest in his vapid desperation… So he grabs another messed up gay clucking for fame, to double their publicity. ENTER: Jordan. The boy who spent “thousands” to look like Kim Kardashian. Great job, hun. Money well spent.

Apparently these two banged. I don’t know what’s funnier, the thought of them two actually shagging, or being that desperate for attention to concoct this story. Firstly, Daniel can’t date a man in heels, but he can shag a bloke with a dinghy for lips and scousebrows on steroids? Bitches, you think we’re dumb? Secondly, as if Jordan Kar-krash-ian is the “best shag ever”. There’s more delusion between these two than the entire cast of TOWIE.

And while I’m sitting here blogging about the catastrophe “couple”, honestly he best thing we can do, is to stop publicizing them, and hopefully they will disappear from our computer screens forever, seek the help and validation that they need from a councillor – as quite frankly, we should feel sorry for people with lives emptier than their misshapen collagen cock-catchers.

A response to Barrett Pall’s GURL PLEASE: Are we fighting a stereotype or perpetuating one?

Dear Sister,

Firstly, why do you feel so strongly about being stereotyped? Why is being a stereotype a bad thing, if beyond that, you are a good person? Who, above all, is being themselves? As you plan on writing a book (lol) and understand how “powerful” language is, I assume that you read your article over and over again before posting it, and have considered the weight of your words. And while you’ve attempted to say them as politely as possible, (including the obligatory meaningless ‘I love to make bold statements, but please don’t troll me’ update), I’m sure you know full well that what you are inferring is that gay men behave in a way that may be unnatural to them, so as ignorant-minded people don’t stereotype us. Let’s not act a certain way so that bullies don’t laugh at us? Why don’t we all just step back into the closet? I’d rather they kicked my head in while I slayed the routine to Britney’s Stronger.

If you want to start something progressive, as you claim, then attacking the colourful language used by your fellow gay men is not the way to go. The best thing we can do, is to encourage gay men to be who they are – stereotypes included – and drown out the homophobes, the uneducated bullies and prove that gay people are equal, no matter how they speak. In your concerns that we are not representing our “diverse community” properly, you’re asking that we conform to traditional ideals and ‘proper’ language; where is the diversity in that?
You’re right though, we’re not sisters – or brothers – so why don’t we all stop acting like it, and leave one another to fend for themselves? What exactly is the problem with brotherhood, when it only brings positivity into our society?

It’s ironic, of course, that you believe that our slang doesn’t represent a, “smart, ambitious and successful” community, when your opinion piece doesn’t represent a single one of those things. In fact, you’re quite the stereotype yourself. The stereotype of what you appear to dislike; an attention-seeking gay man. Just in a far more brazen form that even you realise. If it is being stereotyped and taken seriously that you are worried about, why don’t you a) tackle something other than harmless slang, and/or b) put a fucking shirt on?
Has nobody told you that people with trout pouts shouldn’t throw stones? I mean, don’t you model jockstraps with bleached teeth and a quiff as high as that horse you’re riding; and you wanna run your gums about stereotypes? Hun. You might as well be spraying this bullshit from a go-go podium in West Hollywood.

But regardless, banter aside, I wouldn’t hate on you for that. If you wanna show off a body that you worked hard to get, then good for you! But you do perpetuate a stereotype – it just doesn’t bother anyone as much as it allegedly bothers you. Which would suggest that your issues aren’t with stereotypes at all, but rather with femininity. Slang terms like “gurl/sister/she” are only the tip of a very camp and stereotypical iceberg floating in the sea of the gay community – so how do you feel about mannerisms? Clothing? Pop music? Are you against everything that could cast us in a stereotypical light to the wrong person, or is it just language?

Baring in mind, that many gay men use this language as form of expression; it represents happiness and gratitude – to be able to act a certain way in public and not be judged because of it – well, unless you’re in the room.

I understand that you’re not that (if at all) fabulous, but your blog post is insulting to those of us that are. HEY, GURL. It’s hard to see why you are hating on terms of endearment when there is still so much hate left in the world? Your personal problems with effeminate slang does not require an article, you will not start a movement, you are the one who needs to open their eyes and realise that what you are saying isn’t progressive at all. Rather than asking the gay world to change, perhaps you should be teaching yourself to accept.

Even the notion of ‘stereotypes’ existing is an old one. I may use them in a humorous way from time-to-time, but in the real world, I don’t see stereotypes, I see people. The fact that you are worried about being seen in a certain light only demonstrates that you still have some catching up to do. The issues which you have raised have absolutely nothing to do with other gays and their language, but rather yourself and this Masc 4 Masc fantasy, along with parts of the world that still don’t fully embrace homosexuality; so I suggest you start there.

Finally, that symbol of a heart you are making with you hands, represents love – reread your post and ask yourself how loving it is to criticise gay men for being themselves?

Kisses,

Anthony Gilét
(VERY fabulous gay)

You can see the original post it HERE. 

On Monday (Feb 21st) we reported that sauna-goers CRIED over the news that Chariots Streatham branch was closing.

We jokingly asked, if they were going to hold a candlelit vigil with bouquets of anal beads and floppy dildos. If only we knew. The reality was far less tame. Vice reports that crowds of gay men did hang around in a carpark in Shoreditch – and they weren’t cruising. In fact, they were gathered to cast a Shaman’s curse on the property developers destroying the venue. BIBLE. Babe, I was joking. I didn’t actually mean for y’all to congregate in the freezing cold to protest the closure of London’s largest Roman Spa. Which, ironically, is probably grimier, even though the Roman’s hadn’t invented bleach or any other cleaning product. (Soz, but bit of Febreeze wouldn’t kill anybody).

I thought vegetarian animal rallies were severe… Albeit these activists encourage putting meat in your mouth – it just goes to show how passionate people feel about a bit of rump.

A green-cloaked Shaman calls the gays forth, to “banish this evil from time and space”. Imagine: And then out scurries Donald Trump in a loin cloth hiding his face with his combover. The Shaman then throws the magic potion (a mixture of glitter and semen) onto the ground. Much to the disappointment of the other protesters who were waiting on their knees, mouth agape. Just kidding, they were drumming and chanting – because – what else do you do at a spell-casting, flare-flagging ritual curse. It was like Midsummer Night’s Dream, if it had been written by Elton John.

One of the perfectly-sane participants states, “We’re cursing the descendants of these property developers to be queer for 13 generations – only for us to be queer is a blessing – so this is really just a blessing on this space, to make it sacred.” Right. OK, then. Can someone get Maleficient on the phone, they’re not doing it right.

ActUp activist James Johnson goes to demonstrate how this is another example of greedy monopolies are pushing out unique LGBT venues, as well as low incomes, and artists. Agreed. While I disagree with large corporations overtaking quirky and queer spaces at the click of a finger, not sure you can place a sauna in the same category as artist’s studios. Unless they’ve changed the curriculum and cock sucking is now a creative talent. Gosh, Uni would’ve been a walk on Hampstead Heath, if that was the case. Keep me updated, I’ll totally go back and do a Masters if so.

Another activist Dan Glass goes on to explain that Chariots is a “sanctuary” for “poor people”. Please. If you can afford 20 bar entry for sex, you’re hardly broke. Secondly, when Esmerelda cried sanctuary outside the church doors, I don’t remember the priest handing her a bottle of poppers and a towel as he welcomed her in.

After a while, one of the managers comes out as asks the guys to wrap it up – we assume he meant the protest – as the drumming was scaring away potential customers. After all pounding is one thing, but drumming is another story. But after seeing some of the sights in Chariots, I doubt they scare easily. But I ‘spose it’s just the initial shock, like shining a headlight on a racoon when it’s scavenging through the bins.

Jamie McCarthy, a Chariots “devotee” (I can’t), claims they provide a place for elder gay men to socialise. Although considering there’s The Old Ship, Molly Moggs, Admiral Duncan, to name just a few, we assume he means to get laid with ease, and without judgement. At the end of the evening, all the protestors trotted off the The Glory, because even they would rather go elsewhere.

Fair play to the little people standing up to the property developers, I just hope these people aren’t too blinded by the orgasms they’ve received to see (or even consider) the negativity that is part of the package which saunas offer.

[Image Credit: Vice]

Talk about thirst trap! This faceless jock is doing his best job at getting your attention. And we’re gonna take a guess and say he got it. It remind su of the talent show towel dance… Only a bit less PG13.

Looks like that’d make a decent towel rail, and certainly one you won’t find in IKEA.

Last night Channel 4 screened a documentary showing viewers what goes on behind closed (cubicle) doors of CS2 in Nottingham Secrets of the Sauna. “Downstairs the sauna looks a bit like most health spas” states the narrator, honey, I don’t know what branch of Champney’s you’ve been going to, but I’d say it was not legit.

The sauna is a place for men of all ages and races they claim a number of times throughout. Yet, the viewers are only ever shown old white men. Though they showed one fittie for thirty seconds of diversity. I was like, HOLD ON A MINUTE; who is that fine specimen with the shaved head? I’d pay 12 quid entry for a slice of that pie.

John and Joe, the couple that run CS2 are kinda cute together, but what’s respectable about them is that they own their open relationship, and their decision to use the sauna for sex. They’re on TV cracking jokes about it, instead of sitting behind a computer screen whinging about ‘slut shaming’. Obviously, most people would rather die than be proposed to in the jacuzzi of a gay sauna in Nottingham – but it’s their lifestyle and they’re in love – so realistically who cares? Personally, I don’t think I could do the open relationship thing, he’d be getting 20 questions every time he walked through the door, while I innocently stroked a kitchen knife.

“So honey, how was your day?”

But I can’t help but feel sorry for them that there isn’t that physical attraction there anymore. Would it be different to marrying a friend in the first place?

Of course, dying in a sauna would be certainly worse than getting engaged in one: enter Narvel; using CS2 as his local gay bar, fears going for a third orgasm in one visit could kill him. Allow having your grandchildren at the hearing of the Will – “Cause of death: excessive sexual activity in CS2 sling”.

Describing it as a “tropical paradise”… We’re gonna take a wild stab in the dark *ahem* and say that he’s never been to Bermuda before. While his regular visits to the sauna put tension on his relationship, he says he couldn’t think of anything worse than being monogamous. How ’bout having your dick sucked by Gollum but you don’t even know ’cause you’re in a dark room? I’m not judging though, just like Narvel isn’t judging monogamous couples; whatever floats your boat. Unfortunately, his partner wants him to stay at home and listen to him playing to organ. “Olé!”

But it does demonstrate how hard it is to find someone these days. They’re both in a relationship with someone that isn’t right for them. Narvel thinks sex is the best thing in the world. His husband Terry thinks “how shallow”. But they stay together because, realistically, who wants to be alone at the end of the day?

Narvel later goes on to talk about the abuse he suffered as a child, being passed around a pedophile ring at only 12. A truly horrific experience by any means, but what he needs is a councillor, not a place that feeds the trauma still lurking within him.

Then there’s James, a 26 year-old straight bloke that washes the skid marks and cum stains out of the discarded towels. And you thought your job was bad? Imagine having the hangover from hell and having the hose down a soiled baby changing mat. Girl, go get a job at Asda. I can’t understand why anybody would happily mop up stale semen and abused supermarket products. That poor cucumber never saw it coming!

A local politician says he met his partner there – a plumber. “We probably never would’ve spoke to one another in our ordinary clothes, so being in towels put us at equals”. That’s kinda deep. Before the more eerily stated, “everyone is consenting adults, nobody is doing anything they don’t want to”… spoken like a professional groomer of the young and naive.

But was it an accurate portrayal? Well, for quaint little CS2 in Nottingham, perhaps. But for saunas in London; hardly. And perhaps that’s because our beautiful city has higher rates of drug abuse than anywhere else in the UK. By all means, this documentary highlights the positive aspects of sex on tap and paints the sauna as a harmless sexually expressive and liberal part of the gay community. Which is fair enough, seen as so much judgement comes with going to a sauna anyway.

But where was the negative activity? The drugs. The sexual abuse. The unprotected sex. The perpetuation of mental health issues – as Narvel spoke of. But hey, let’s all have a jolly laugh at the wives who don’t know they’re husbands are sleeping with men behind their backs.

I don’t judge people that use saunas. I pity them. And I’m not talking about guys who go there once in a blue moon to unleash the inner hoe. I’m talking about the men where the sauna has become an integral part of their life. Men who are – in some form – addicted to them; which is understandable , as we all know that sex can be addictive, and at a tenner it’s the perfect cheap fix.

But as the organ player says, “I think you have a poor life.” And that’s coming from someone that performs Songs of Praise live in their living room. Thank you, hun. 

**DISCLAIMER: This post may cause fanny flutter**

OH, MOIRA! Where’s the AC up in here, ’cause things just got hella hot, girl. It’s fair to say that Michael Hoffman’s stint as a Tumblr celebrity is more flaccid than when he tries to fuck a woman… And we think we’ve found his replacement.

What do y’all think?!

Claiming to be the most “realistic oral sex simulator” ever, Sqweel XT is the new pleasure device on the market for men to get off when their partner’s got lock-jaw… Or just the hump. The toy uses 10 oscillating turbo tongues which rotate at three different speeds. Sounds like it might even give better head than people who couldn’t be clueless ’bout sucking a dick.

The toy is so small, you can carry it in your pocket, which could prove problematic for employers. Or in fact, anybody that wants a man’s attention. Wonder if it will affect the number of guys on Grindr on a Sunday afternoon.

After seeing a 20% increase in male sex toys, the makers Lovehoney are hailing 2016 as the year of toys for men.

Check out the promo video below:

Earlier this week, we introduced you to our new Tumblr obsession; hot, inked and naked — just how we (and you) like ’em. And we’ve dug up another video just in time for the weekend. You can be sure after this video it just got a lot better…

After posting about him on social media, it wasn’t long before he was named as porn star, Billy Essex. We’ll let you conduct your own searches, but until then: HAPPY FRIDAY.

It just felt like a slow-motion cock-flapping day… You know?

There’s plenty of National Holidays that we adore; Halloween, New Years, and not to mention Steak and Blowjob Day… And while you’re probably still celebrating the four day Easter weekend, not only is it Easter Sunday — it’s also National Bulge Appreciation Day (27th March). We thought you might’ve forgotten, so we gathered a load of GIFs, vids and pics to remind you… You’re welcome hunty!

Looks like Jesus’ resurrection isn’t the only one we’re rejoicing today…